Pardon my quiet lately, please.
Those who know me personally will know that I have been hit by one of the greatest tragedies that can occur. Dan, the love of my life was snatched away from me suddenly on 22 Jan.
I’m lost for words. I don’t know where to start to sum up the life of a man who lived life with no restraint and loved me so completely he healed the damage of a past bad relationship.
Please excuse me while I deal with my grief and cry my tears. I have to replan almost all my life. So much of it was centred around him and now I have to remember how to live life without the rock and guiding hand that has held me for the last nine months.
Please promise me that you will treasure the people around you. I had no idea he would be taken so suddenly. His parents and I had no time to prepare ourselves for what we are dealing with now. We can only be grateful that we took the chance to have those last hugs and chats.
Take care
Where yesterday was calm and peaceful, today was difficult and a bit sad.
Every time I go to Dan’s for a weekend I feel sad on Monday going home, I miss him before I’ve even left. If I’m there longer than a weekend it’s harder still. I love him as you know, but also I get on well with his parents and I love the house very much too.
One of the things that was lovely and odd and difficult all at the same time was Jewel. She’s spent almost the whole time from Christmas Eve to yesterday hiding in Dan’s bedroom not quite out of reach, but then after tea yesterday she was roaming all over the house and again this morning. And then I had to bundle her into the carrier for the journey home. I felt awful that she’d found the confidence to go out and I’d had to stop her exploring.
Oliver made a right racket about the indignity of being in his carrier (which is the bigger one, more space to turn around), but Jewel just sat and looked out of the front and waited to be taken wherever we were going.
After all the snow and ice we got back to Bedford safely and easily, and the phone call I’ve just had says that Ted and Dan got back home again safely too.
Next of all, I have to start looking at packing down the Christmas tree and decorations as they are going to Dan’s this weekend for storage rather than stay here and be carted later. It’s quite exciting really and for all that I was low this morning I’m much happier and more positive now
and this short blog post is proof of it!
It’s a bit hard to think about it now, but I’m leaving the Lincolnshire quiet behind tomorrow and going back to the wilds of Bedfordshire with my cats.
I have to because work starts again on Monday and while I could leave it til monday morning to return, that cats will be very unsettled and I want to be there to make sure they are ok. Still, it’s not nice having been in small village that feels like home the second I set foot in it to have to return to somewhere that has always felt a bit temporary if I’m honest.
Oliver has made the lounge windowsill his home here and he’s going to miss the chance to sit and watch the world go by with only glass in front of him and a hot radiator close by. Jewel is finally (after 10 days) leaving the bedroom under her own steam but is still very unsure of being in a room with 3 or more people in it. Poor girl, I’m guessing she’ll relax a bit, but will definitely have to get used to it when we move permanently in April.
I say gentle day because it’s been productive. The cats gave us a quiet night and so bolstered by more sleep than usual we’ve got a lot done on some work that Dan’s been trying to clear out, as well as work out things like where all my stuff’s going to go when I finally arrive, literally bag and baggage! It’s not been hard, some might call it a drifty day. Not getting lots done, but then not doing nothing at all.
Never mind, there’s a three course roast beef dinner tonight!
Dan and I went out for a New Years Eve do last night into the early hours. We started off going to the neighbours’ house before going to the village pub for drinks and a chat with some of the other villagers.
Later on we went back through the village to Colin and Karen’s and played games around drinks before watching the fireworks and popping party poppers and drinking champagne to welcome the New Year in. We had a great laugh and finally headed for home at 2:30 in the morning through falling snow to settle the cats and head for bed.
When we finally woke and had a full cooked breakfast a la Ted; Dee and I suited and booted and went off down the road get a breath of air and a little exercise. Generally we’ve had a quiet day but it’s been good, we’ve all needed to rest after the holiday.
Jewel is finally settling down, although she seems to be pathologically timid. Oliver is the confident one here, comfortable with the much larger house and larger group of people in a way that surprised me a bit, but I know that he is a good judge of people and that we are among good people.
Right. Time for another nap and maybe some food too. Dan’s cooking tonight!
It’s New Years Eve and I suppose that means it’s time to have a bit of a summing up of the year before the new year arrives and we all look ahead to what’s coming next.
First and foremost, although I haven’t said much about it, the year was very much overhung by the impending site closure at work; no matter how much we at work all tried to lift ourselves out of it, the stress and the depression have taken their toll and people have been ill and we’ve had to really be there for each other. Just before Christmas my department was notified that basically almost all of us had been selected for redundancy. The relief at knowing that the end was coming after almost two years was incredible.
The other big thing that happened, which was as big as dealing with looming redundancy, was meeting Dan. After living alone for 4 years, focussing on being happy as I was and not doing very well at it, a gentle man came along. He turned on a lamp in a lfe that felt like dusk, and helped me learn how to live and love and be happy with me again. Just to be clear, if you’re my personal friend and are reading this and thinking “huh! What about me?” Don’t worry. I love all my friends dearly but Dan has brought a dimension to my life that was absent and I hadn’t realised. The best analogy is the mobile phone one. You never had one before and a few weeks after getting one you have to ask yourself “how did I survive before this?” [More]
Christmas morning was everything I’ve ever wanted a Christmas morning to be.
We had Buck’s Fizz (actually I did – everyone else had straight champagne!) while Dan sat by the tree passing around gifts to people. There were some amazing things and also some “it’s Christmas, that means it’s traditional to recieve socks!”
We had breakfast after gifts and then began the task of getting the turkey ready for the oven and the beers in the fridge.
Paul and Pauline arrived around midday while the turkey was cooking and we had a few more gifts and some more drinks.
Dinner was ready earlier than expected and we set ourselves around the table and feasted until we could hold no more – lobster bisque a la Ted, turkey with homemade stuffing, pigs in blankets, dishes and dishes of vegetables, roasted potatoes, boiled potatoes, gravy, to say nothing of the home made Christmas pudding with homemade brandy sauce!
When we finally finished eating, we moved over to the sitting room and played Trivial pursuit, which was fine until I lost by a country mile, at which point the alcohol kicked in and I cried my little heart out!
As expected, while it ws really cold, there wasn’t a white Christmas here for all that there was snow on the ground.
The cats did hide away all day as I’d expected, but Oliver did show his face later in the evening to say hello to his public!
Now that it’s the day after I have a little headspace to be able to tell you what happened over the last couple of days without needing to think about what’s got to happen tomorrow.
Christmas Eve was very busy.
For me it’s a working day and a day shift at that. I had to get up, get dressed and feed the cats and myself before charging to work through ice and snow to work.
It was terrifying. The ice had started to melt the day before and then refroze in the night and everywhere was an ice rink. I fell off the bike and landed on my back just trying to get to work over a patch of ice that looked fairly safe.
We had our traditional indian feast mid-morning and then finished off and went home midday, again, as is traditional here. More ice. I walked the bike home knowing the ice wouldn’t have gone in four short hours, and sure enough it was still there. This time I fell on my knees across the bike at a point where it had looked really safe.
I got home and warned Dan and Ted about safe parking and proceeded to bundle two confused moggies into carriers, make a flask of coffee and shuffle together the final items of food that had been stored out of cat reach and then sit witha drink til the Bongo arrived to take me away for Christmas.
For all the snow and ice it was a smooth journey. The roads were busy but not gridlocked and we got through in only slightly more time than it normally takes. The cats cried as expected but they calmed down and just waited to see what would happen next.
We got things unpacked and then let the cats out in Dan’s room and left them to settle while we had a traditional Chinese takeaway dinner and set the last presents under the tree.
I did develop a bug that turned into a cold and as a result I’m really tired, so this is going to be more than one post to sum up the weekend.
Take care one and all
It really is almost done now. The mincemeat is ready to bake off from this week, the cake is ready to marzipan this week, all my cards are written and most are posted, all the gifts are bought, barring a few that need to wait a few days and just need wrapping up.
My biggy is that I have found my dress for this Christmas. It’s brave and bright red and gorgeous. I’ll put it with silver sandals and some other bits and bobs and it should be great.
I think I’ve already had one of my best Christmas gifts. Last week I was finally invited for consultation with regard to the fact that my position was being made redundant. It may sound odd to be happy to be in this position, but I’ve been waiting 22 months for this meeting and it’s been hard work and quite depressing in all honesty, so yes, I’m happy. I have lots of plans and I can now put them in place within an actual timeline. [More]
At the end of a cold and damp week, Ted and Dan come down to Bedford to pick me up for the weekend. I only just got home in time because I thought I had time to make one final trip to Tesco before they arrived, and I did, but only just! We threw my bags of goodies including mulled wine in the car and left, just as it started to really rain! We made reasonable time and got back just after nine including stopping for chips on the way.
In the morning after bacon sandwiches, Dan and I washed up while Ted and Dee went shopping, and then we sat on the riverbank and watched the tide – until it started to rain! Dan managed to aquire a headache during the morning, so he was sent to bed with tea and paracetamol. Dee and I entered “major bonfire build mode” which entailed finding loads of scraps of wood and a few pallets and other bits, putting them together in a big heap and then packing them with newspaper, odd offcuts of wood and any other garden prunings we could lay our hands on.
Karen and Colin the neighbours came over with their firepit, Ted located and wiped off a load of garden chairs and set them on the bank ready – all while Dan slept off his headache! We got everything sorted just as the sun really started to go down, then went in to warm up and get ready for a big evening by the river.
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